What Angel has meant.

Last Saturday I had to look a man I was just starting to get to know right in his eye’s and tell him that the girl he was preparing to marry had been killed by a drunk driver the night before.  The disbelief, the shock, and grief was almost surreal.  Will and Angel moved into my house two weeks earlier, they were wounded kids with horrible pasts and confused futures.  My first inclination was not to allow them to move in, but something about Will straight forwardness about his prison experience, about the things in his life that he regreted and wanted to change struck me.  I am usually skeptical about what people tell, beening lied to plenty in my life, but something said to give them a chance.  The start of this relationship was pretty rough.  She hid in her room most of the time, and he has some serious anger and emotional issues.  I was walking on egg shells alot for those two weeks. 

My life in the last two years has been the hardest time I’ve ever experienced, I’m not going into that in this post, you can read about that in other posts, but what these two have faced is far beyond anything that I’ve dealt with.   I have a strong faith in God and he is working things in me all the time.  Part of that was why I let them move in, the other part is a desperation for money.  I’m embaressed to say that but it is what it is.  I told them that I was a Christian and that I go to Small groups and sunday service consistently.  I invited them to go with me fully expecting that it was not going to happen right away.  To my surprise Will went with me that next Sunday, and to every group meeting after.  He didn’t know what to think and was very confrontational.  He listened but we is extremely opinionated and defensive.  Angel came the next week with us to Area 10′s grand opening.  I was asked to help in the nursery something I love to do, so we didn’t go to Velocity like I always do.  Something struck her there.  She started coming to bible study downstairs in the morning, she came to ”Gel Groups” with us as well.  She was plugging in to the household and Church.  I was exstatic with the way life was unfolding at home.  I was surrounded by people hell bent on improving there lives, going to school, going to church, giving up vices, going to AA, looking forward not behind.  Then She didn’t come home like she was supposed to.  That Saturday morning Will was unhinged.  He told me that he had been up all night.  He was drunk, something we said wasn’t going to appen in my house, and he was swearing something was wrong. 

I have to be honest, I thought that she left him.  Rent was due that day, they always seemed to be yelling, the had words as she left a few days earlier.  I told him as much.  He swore something was wrong and that she promised she was coming home.  He had no info about where she was, what the license plate number was.  To placate him I started calling the Highway department, information, 911 everything I could think of.  not to be a jerk but this system is inept when it comes to trying to find a missing person.  the attitudes of the people were awful, and nobody seemed able or willing to help.  I was passed from place to place, person to person.  I was really getting pissed off.  Finally Will Found her employers name and number and I called her.  It was a Company Car that Angel was in so they had contacted her.  She told me that she had been killed at two in the morning in a head on crash.  Will was standing there right in front of me.  My heart dropped out of my chest, my head started to spin.  I looked at the floor, at my unclipped toenails, I focused on some dog hair on the carpet.  I thanked her, as quietly as I could I looked up and told him to sit down.  The rest you can imagine.  I don’t want to relive that again. 

The part that I really wanted to discuss was the impact that this event has had on Me, Will, and a special group of friends that we now have.  As I mentioned before Will, Angel and I were attending small church groups called “Gell Groups”.  With all the Ache in my heart I needed to be around those people, they comfort me, hold me accountable, and get my head out of its ownself pity, and emotional garbage that does me absolutely no good.  They sare there lives with one another, and talk about what they feel, and what God is doing in there lives.  I had to go so I shook a sleeping Will, Which has become a pastime in my house, and asked If he was up to it.  Again he surprised me by saying yes.  He was full of surprises lately, when he first went to church he didn’t want to be touched, the only emotion he showed was happiness, or anger.  He was so intent on being strong, being untouchable that I was hoping that confrontations would occure pretty much all the time.  lately he was being convicted about his attitude twords others, how unnessesary it was to keep people at a distance.  He cried all the time, wanted hugs, and apologized constantly.  this Continued during the gel Group meeting.  First he Separated from me and went into the other room voluntarily for a group discussion.  something he never wanted to do before.  He showed his meakness and that he was hurting.  He hugged a man that the week before he had criticized.  He put his arm on my shoulder and said it was going to OK.  He showed the group a DVD that my sister and he had created as a memorial to angel.  It was heartbreaking, and uplifting at the same time.  Death is so confusing and painful Humans have struggled with it through out history.  People turn from god in anger when the ones they love are “taken”.  there are some however who through there death bring others closer.  Angel “name being appropriate”  is one of those lucky people.  Will is bound and determined to get his life straight.  He has bonded with people that he never would have otherwise.  I who is involved closely, but on the other hand just outside this box,  have been effected enormously.  The gift of the responses to that DVD, the closeness that I feel we who briefly new her, are going to gain is remarkable.  I really liked the gel group.  but I now really feel love for them.  the help they gave Will, the compassion, the empathy was mind blowing.  I saw these people at there best, and I have been touched.  whatever our future is going to be, and whatever god has for us, that day is what life is made of, that connection is Christ in us.  that is why God made us.  I watched a Movie “Starman” years ago where Jeff Bridges being an aliens said” the thing about your species that amazes us is that when things are at there worst, that is when you are at your best”  Meant little to me at the time but it popped in my head writing this.  and it is how I feel about us.  unfortunately it take these kind of events to stir us into this kind of grace, and love.  I am so thankful for the opportunity to have Angel in my life, to get to share her with people I care about.  So many times i don’t understand why this happens or that happens.  This one I feel so greedy about being apart of.  I feel how God is going to use her in my life, Will life, our lives.

Grinding your spices

This post is gonna be quick.  Just some information that is always overlooked by cooks.  If one takes a second to think about it, this really makes sense.  Buy a $19.00 coffee grinder and buy your spices whole seeds.  First of all preground spices have fillers and anti caking agents in them diluting the flavor and adding an unhealthy aspect to your food.  Second Seeds and nuts have oils in them (Sesame oil, Peanut oil, walnut oil).  Once you grind them and expose them to the air they dry out and again lose their flavor.  Actually all pre ground spices should be discarded after six months.   whole seeds and berries last for years and this will save you a ton of money.  One of the best, and quickest way to improve flavor in your food is to Grind your spices fresh, just like coffee, the other is pay attention to what kind of salt you buy.  We’ll discuss that issue another day.  I promise the extra few seconds that you take will make a huge difference for you.  cooking is about organization and patience anyway.

Why Does She Hate You So Much

I’ve been asked this question many times in the last year.  I have bored people with issues of my divorce and issues with the babies Momma (for those who don’t know me they are separate women), for far to long.  Last week a friend we’ll call Don asked me point blank “what are you doing to cause this much venom, why does she hate you so much?”.  At Church we were focusing on Pride for this week.  This series of conquering your giants (Death, Fear, Lust, Pride, Guilt)  has sparked many conversations, and a lot of introspection for many.  I personally have been moved by these topics and have written them here, or seriously have made changes in my life.   Because I’m thick headed, God speaks to me very loudly and is very aggressive If I don’t follow.  He will take away things I love, just as a parent takes away a toy from a child when that child misbehaves.  The pastors wife said he was “Perfecting Me”.  I struggle with this because I think it’s my own stupidity that causes my issues not a vengeful god, but there are definate signs that he is shapeing and molding me into something different.   

Anyway back to the point.  I have spent thousands of dollars, fighting with these women.  The stress has me lacking focus, melancholy, and lost, I even lose my lunch alot because I’m so bound up.  I can’t go into specific reasons why we are fighting, or give details because I’m currenty in litigation.  Needless to say I think they are being manipulative, and controlling, most of the time just plain mean. I don’t feel like they are looking out for the intrest of the boys.  I believe that even if he is not perfect, a father should be involved with his childs life more than one day a week and every other weekend.  I never really knew my father, he turned over custody and actually had my sister and I adopted by another man so he didn’t have to pay child support.  Needless to say that has effected me, and fuels my combative nature in the custody battles that I’m wageing.  If nothing else I want my boys to know that I’ll fight for them.  The other day when I went to a mediator with one of the moms.  I heard her say that we will be in litigation for a very long time.  The mediator said “thats a shame,” and looked at me as if to ask. Is that what you want too?  It got me thinking how much of this fight do I want to continue? How much of my life do I want to be spent in conflict?  How does this battle effect the boys?  I haven’t decided yet. 

 I had breakfast with another friend from church.  Because I’m so self absorbed, I never even knew that he had been divorced, and had a son.  He was talking about his son coming to live with him, this summer.  That his mother couldn’t handle him at this age and that she asked him to take his son for a while.   We talked about the fact that when he got divorced, he gave her what she wanted and he never even got a lawyer.  Because of that, they were civil with each other, and in a time of uncertanty and frustration she turned to him for help.  The two women I’m involved with would die before they asked me for help.  They make demands, and expect payment, but there will be no reaching out and asking for help from a point of vulnerability.  And to be honest I’m the same way.  that’s a symptom of a real big problem for me.  Pride.

I get so defensive if I feel attacked, “like how dare you suggest that I’m XY or Z.  Don’t you know me better than that?  who do you think you are?  Your no angel yourself you know”.  I’m sure that this is only escalating the conflicts.  But how do I stop the wheels from turning. Can I stop them from turning.  I ask God for help in this matter daily, but things just get worse.  I’ve come to the conclusion that God is saying I’ve told you what to do, you just aren’t doing it. 

 I should trust first, be prepared to get crushed, not give up, but just say what ever you want.  It’s the core of being a christian, trusting God, give it up to him and let him work the miracles of you life.  How do you do that to something that you have never seen, when you can’t do that to someone you were married to for ten years.  The answer is that people are seriously flawed and we let each other down all the time.  From a clerk making a mistake at the check out line to a priofessional man of God misusing his position for his own gain, we blow it every day.  How do you trust in people?  Again the Answer is you don’t, you trust in God. 

Lust what an ordeal

I sat in church today with the series theme being “Conquereing Your Giants”.  Todays giant was lust.  I was at the time sitting next to a divorced lady, in front of three young ladies, and behind a very loving couple who know me pretty well.  If I could have shrunk my self and got out of there I would have.  Even after church, as I was walking out with everyone else, I had a feeling that everyone looked at me and said ” we know you have that issue buddy”.  God really has a way of beating upside my head and shoulders, and that day I could not ahave been more convicted.  Lately this is an issue that has been on the forefront of my thinking anyway( as witnessed by the above post).  I have been taking steps to overcome it as well.  I sold every TV I have, I brought my computer down into the forrier,  out of the bed room, and I have even talked to a few guys about installing a program that if I view something inappropriate on the computer, they get e-mailed.  I can’t imagine the embarresmant that would be caused when someone calls me to say “what are you doing’.

   The thing that is out there for everyone to see is that even before I got divorced legally, She left 11 months prior, I got another lady pregnant.  While I love boo like I love my older boys, the fact is he is here because of a poor decision on my part.  My church is beyond understanding and compassionate but the fact is that I feel ashamed of this.  Actually everyone in my life has been very supportive.  It doesn’t change the guilt that I feel.

I can’t believe that after all that has happened in my life,  I still look at women and think carnal thoughts.  I can even be in church and look at a woman walking by and go “oh boy”.  If anywhere in the world you should be able to focus on being good it should be in church.  

It blows me away that America spends so much money on a man being able to “get it up”  Man I would spend a ton just to be able to keep it down.

After totally making me feel horrible, Pastor threw out some statistics to make me feel like I was’t alone.  70 percent of all men visit a sight here, 38 pecent of women visit them as well there.  The thing that stuck in my mind was this.  Of all sins that we embark on, Lust is something that occures in our own bodies.  It’s totally private.  We could die and nobody would know, other than God,  I could care less how many people struggle with this. that doesn’t help me in the slightest. 

Now that I’m single again I have had a huge issue with this.  I have dated women who when not hit on by me get upset saying “are you not attracted to me” .  I have met woman who say they won’t make a decision on a relationship until that aspect has been “cleared up”.  The thing is this;  If I’m not with a woman that wants to be faithful, I have no chance of doing this on my own.  I know myself, and as soon as it gets offered I go “OKAY”.

The Apostle Paul said ” The things I do, I don’t want to do, and the things I don’t want to do, I do.”  Man if this doesn’t sum up my life I don’t know what does.  I’ve heard tons of people say that God made me this way.  Or this is a completely natural, normal thing.(sorry American Pie)  The thing is we get tempted so we can rise above it.  We get to be the cream that rises above it (thanks Dad).  I just wish that that was me. 

Even the book that gives me the title of this Blog “love, Eat, Pray”  a spiritual pilgramage for a woman named Liz ends up with her taking a lover in the last chapter.  My god, Is this all that we are.

  I can’t rush into marriage again.  I can’t open up that much to someone and get crushed again.  I also am so physically weak, I’m not sure how long I can go without physical contact.. 

 

I pray for strength, wisdome and discapline.  I know that I’m the one who will benifit.  I believe it, and I trust it.  Now I have to do it

what a day

I never thought that this would make a difference or that people would respond.  I am not the ceator of these thoughts, and I’m truly nothing special.  But I have received a number of contacts and one date because of one stream of conscience.  Fear is an amazing emotion and one that we must have for survival.  It shakes us to the base, the core of who we are. 

It’s how we deal with this emotion that defines us.  I know some amazing people and I would love to tell their stories. but it would be completely inappropriate.  The way people have strived and conquered fear.

  tonight is a great example.  I as well as my date tonight whitnessed a woman so out of whack.  That it only could be casued by fear.  She was wearing a mini skirt that barely cover her ass standing up.  Then she started playing pool and exposed her goods to the entire bar for over two hours.  I literally changed seats with my date so I could focus on our conversation.  She was wearing a thong and nothing, I repeat nothing was left to the imagination.  The only reason I can logically come up with is that she was so insecure about the way she looked that any attention in a sexual way made her feel good.  Even if it was disgust or humor.  I look around me now as a single man and I’m shocked at human behavior.  Mens expectations, and womens ability to to over look that behavior,  as well as add their own lustful ideas.  I’m in no way shape or form a prude, but honestly,  is this what we have reduced ourselves to.  I want sex just like any other person out there.  I even have fantasies that I’m not going to share with another living sole, because even I don’t understantd them.  But come on.  lets treat each other with dignity and grace.  The act is one thing, humility and honor is another.  I’m not saying no sex before marriage, am not saying that sex can’t be apart of our everyday life.  But lets be adults.  lets give it the honor that our creator gave it, when he gave it to us, and man what a gift.  If you want the kind of base unattached relationship, than arrange it in a safe and compassionate manner.  I personnly think that god intended much more for us.  That sex is truly a gift when shared between two people in love.  but I can’t be hypocritical, I’ve done it,  most people I know have done it.  That base fulfilment of a carnal desire.  Lets not let it take down the rest of who we are though.  I’m so bunged up about my desires and my desire to be faithful it scratches at my core, but unfortunatley it feel the same as a womans fingernail down my back

Reaction to Fear

I was watching the Movie “Someone Like You” with Ashley Judd when a scene had her researching survival instincts in animals.  The three mentions were the flight response, like dear and Gazelles, the fight response found in all predators, and the freeze response like a lot of smaller animals and insects.  It’s the freeze response that stuck in my head.  With everything happening to me and my family in the last two years, my response was to freeze.  I thought about what my sayings have been using the most for these increments of turmoil.  The biggest one has been “it is what it is”.  People who are close to me are going Ugh right about now.  The other one is the quote from the Bible “be still and know that I’m the lord”. 

 I was in Gel group last night, and for those of you who do not attend Velocity Church a gel group is a small group of people who get together on a specific night at one persons home to discuss the lord and the bible.  It’s become more than a bible study because you really interact with the individuals in the group and over time you form a union, that has in my life been is very unique.  The topic was fear and the reference from the bible was from Judges chapter Six.  The introduction of Gideon and how the lord used him to free the lords people from the Midianites.  The main point was Gideon, not being the strongest person in the world and coming from a humble family, was afraid to do what the Lord asked.  He didn’t feel adequate to the task.  He actually put the lord through a series of test to see if God could in fact do what he said he would do.   I talked with the group and after a few minutes of distraction (probably because of discomfort at jumping into this topic)  the group started to open up about what they felt there inadequacies were, what they are afraid of right now, where these feeling come from.  This night was exactly what I hoped a Gel group would be.  It is an amazing revelation to know that you are not alone in this world and that everyone is going through similar situations. 

 That night I’m in on the phone making a date for Sunday evening and thinking about the fear of trying another relationship.  I’m thinking about my finances, I’m thinking about the new adventures that I’m undertaking,  and finally about Softball starting the next day(for those of you who played last year,  you know my impending apprehension).  Then I laid down in my own bed which I actually do very rarely.  I am famous for crashing on the couch.  I returned to the book I have been reading and actually inspired the name of this Blog site.   Eat, Pray, and Love.   Elizabeth Gilbert is the Author and I have to say even-though we are very different types of people I’m really enjoying the book.  Anyway she is visiting an Ashram in India and going through a serious spiritual upheaval, kind of like me but going about it totally differently.   I won’t go into the whole thing but focus on this one point.  A man from Texas calls her a  control freak and after getting upset, she came to the realization that she was.   That when she didn’t have control she did in fact freak out.  That was the connection, that was the point for me.  Fear is the emotion that occurs when one is out of control.     When events or people do not behave the way that we thought they would.  When we say do this and the world says “um no I don’t think so”.  I have lived in fear for the last two years in a way that I don’t remember doing at any other point in my life.  I froze and didn’t take steps to adjust or correct.  I froze up until the point where the predator, was at the doorstep, and was going to eat me.  Now I’m running, not away but towards. towards that meaning, towards that Relationship with the lord.  towards fixing the things in my life that need fixing.  Towards People who have been there and waiting me to not be so self absorbed and fixated on the crap.  Not just in my life but the crap that surrounds us all, all the time.   I spend a ton of energy wishing people would behave differently, wishing that I hit that lottery and my finances would be taken care of.  Wishing that I found that person who”completes me” barf.  In chapter 48 in Eat, Pray, Love.  Richard from Texas has this remark.  “See, now that’s your problem.  You’re wishin’ too much, baby.  You gotta stop wearing your wishbone where your backbone oughta be”.  It’s been twelve hours now and I can’t stop thinking about that statement.  I never was considered weak, never fragile, but I have totally lost that backbone.  I want a Savior, and I have one, but He’s not going to save me from things that he wants me to learn from.  I’m going to be tested, and perfected.  “The good work that He started in me He will perfect in his time”  I really would like to be my time, so hence, fear.  The day I let that control go and focus on the things I’m supposed to control, like my emotions, my mouth, and stupid behavior.  That’s the day, that’s enlightenment.

Love, Eat, Pray

Three things that I have to remind my self to do every day is to eat, love. and pray.   All promote health on many levels, but it is easy to overlook all of them.  This blog is created to help me collect my thoughts and maintain focus.  You guys just have to bear with the thoughts,  which will be a stream of consciousness so don’t judge my grammer.  I belong to four small church groups that meet weekly, this site will become a forum for those discussions. 

This is also a way for me to share recipes, and my passion on food.  Any comments I receive, or questions on food I will try to answer in the next Post.  I’m completely learning this stuff so you have to bear with me on all the nuances of the web communication.