Reaction to Fear
I was watching the Movie “Someone Like You” with Ashley Judd when a scene had her researching survival instincts in animals. The three mentions were the flight response, like dear and Gazelles, the fight response found in all predators, and the freeze response like a lot of smaller animals and insects. It’s the freeze response that stuck in my head. With everything happening to me and my family in the last two years, my response was to freeze. I thought about what my sayings have been using the most for these increments of turmoil. The biggest one has been “it is what it is”. People who are close to me are going Ugh right about now. The other one is the quote from the Bible “be still and know that I’m the lord”.
I was in Gel group last night, and for those of you who do not attend Velocity Church a gel group is a small group of people who get together on a specific night at one persons home to discuss the lord and the bible. It’s become more than a bible study because you really interact with the individuals in the group and over time you form a union, that has in my life been is very unique. The topic was fear and the reference from the bible was from Judges chapter Six. The introduction of Gideon and how the lord used him to free the lords people from the Midianites. The main point was Gideon, not being the strongest person in the world and coming from a humble family, was afraid to do what the Lord asked. He didn’t feel adequate to the task. He actually put the lord through a series of test to see if God could in fact do what he said he would do. I talked with the group and after a few minutes of distraction (probably because of discomfort at jumping into this topic) the group started to open up about what they felt there inadequacies were, what they are afraid of right now, where these feeling come from. This night was exactly what I hoped a Gel group would be. It is an amazing revelation to know that you are not alone in this world and that everyone is going through similar situations.
That night I’m in on the phone making a date for Sunday evening and thinking about the fear of trying another relationship. I’m thinking about my finances, I’m thinking about the new adventures that I’m undertaking, and finally about Softball starting the next day(for those of you who played last year, you know my impending apprehension). Then I laid down in my own bed which I actually do very rarely. I am famous for crashing on the couch. I returned to the book I have been reading and actually inspired the name of this Blog site. Eat, Pray, and Love. Elizabeth Gilbert is the Author and I have to say even-though we are very different types of people I’m really enjoying the book. Anyway she is visiting an Ashram in India and going through a serious spiritual upheaval, kind of like me but going about it totally differently. I won’t go into the whole thing but focus on this one point. A man from Texas calls her a control freak and after getting upset, she came to the realization that she was. That when she didn’t have control she did in fact freak out. That was the connection, that was the point for me. Fear is the emotion that occurs when one is out of control. When events or people do not behave the way that we thought they would. When we say do this and the world says “um no I don’t think so”. I have lived in fear for the last two years in a way that I don’t remember doing at any other point in my life. I froze and didn’t take steps to adjust or correct. I froze up until the point where the predator, was at the doorstep, and was going to eat me. Now I’m running, not away but towards. towards that meaning, towards that Relationship with the lord. towards fixing the things in my life that need fixing. Towards People who have been there and waiting me to not be so self absorbed and fixated on the crap. Not just in my life but the crap that surrounds us all, all the time. I spend a ton of energy wishing people would behave differently, wishing that I hit that lottery and my finances would be taken care of. Wishing that I found that person who”completes me” barf. In chapter 48 in Eat, Pray, Love. Richard from Texas has this remark. “See, now that’s your problem. You’re wishin’ too much, baby. You gotta stop wearing your wishbone where your backbone oughta be”. It’s been twelve hours now and I can’t stop thinking about that statement. I never was considered weak, never fragile, but I have totally lost that backbone. I want a Savior, and I have one, but He’s not going to save me from things that he wants me to learn from. I’m going to be tested, and perfected. “The good work that He started in me He will perfect in his time” I really would like to be my time, so hence, fear. The day I let that control go and focus on the things I’m supposed to control, like my emotions, my mouth, and stupid behavior. That’s the day, that’s enlightenment.
April 4, 2008 at 2:14 pm
Chris,
What a great post! You have gone through hell and back these last few years, some of which I have witnessed, and some of which I have caused, though with no intentional malice. Your personal revelations reminded me of two Bible verses that I was just studying:
“People make plans in their minds, but only the Lord can make them come true.
Depend on the Lord in whatever you do, and your plans will succeed.” – Proverbs 16:1,3
“We must also have joy with our troubles, because we know that these troubles produce patience. And patience produces character, and character produces hope. And this hope will never disappoint us, because God has poured out his love to fill our hearts.” – Romans 5:3-5
Relinquishing control, in any aspect, especially that of the most intimate and personal areas of your life is one of the most terrifying things to do. I am sure you are familiar with the Serenity Prayer; it is something that I have heard since I was a child, but until recently, I never attempted to identify its validity.
“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”
It is the last line that is so pivotal; it is the precursor to faith, the letting go of earthly plans and vain attempts at control, and finding the light of God’s well-laid path for you. It is that fear that you speak of that knocks us off that path, or stops us in our tracks, as you have claimed. It is fear that stops us from gaining wisdom from knowledge, from learning from God’s lesson, and from letting God’s plan rank as high in importance as our own. However, we cannot let fear stop us; after all, it is through God that we get from point A to point B with our dignity in tact and a viable sum of truth worth telling. By remembering that his plans for us are perfection, we might just stop our kicking and screaming and listen for a minute – and we might actually hear enough truth to give our ambition that raw, tangible force that pulls us from our slumber, butters our toast, ties our shoes, and propels us out the door in the morning. And what a glorious morning that will be.
It sounds like you have found some peace within your life, and that makes me extraordinarily happy.